baby daddy joke

I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

oops, i did it again!

once wasn't enough, apparently, b/c i got the crazy scissors out again and cut my hair!

i cut my bangs last week, and nobody noticed (haven't had bangs in five years or more). so i cut the whole thing, layered, textured, etc. didn't screw up too bad, or worse than you get at Great Clips anyway. i actually am getting compliments on my appearance - wearing yoga pants, no less!

i feel lighter, i look younger, and i can leave my hair down without it driving me crazy. all good stuff. still shoulder length, even after 4-6 MORE inches off, but flattering instead of utilitarian. photo to follow (next time i wear makeup, i'll have someone take one).

still singing

(reference meme below)

Good Morning Baltimore is still running through my head. i sing it in the shower, i sing it in the car. LaLa loves it (she loves all of Hairspray). it's SO not in my range - i can sing it an octave lower and sound like a drag queen, or in the proper range and be all breathy and unable to sustain. *sigh*

but i know all the words - even if i don't know "all the steps!"

Mother Theresa's Prayer

i know, she's "Saint" Theresa now. but i grew up with Mother Theresa, and Mother Theresa she will always be to me.

May today there be peace within.

May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.

May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith.

May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you.

May you be content knowing you are a child of God.

Let this presence settle into your bones,and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love.

It is there for each and every one of us.

more politics (i should know better)

Here's a fun link that's supposed to help you decide if you should vote democrat or republican... what it really does is show you where you stand on the major issues and compare that to the parties' positions.

Your Vote Score: 26% Republican, 74% Democrat

While you don't always agree with the Democrat party, it's a pretty good match for you.Do be sure to research each candidate. A liberal Republican or independent candidate might fit you better at times.

Should You Vote Republican or Democrat?

laugh at me!

When you cook a piece of toast, which side of the toaster do you put it in? one piece goes on the left.
Do you sing along to music? of course.
If so, chorus or the main singer? main singer, b/c i'm FABULOUS, dahling.
When was the last time you washed dishes? a couple of days ago.
Washed a dog? never
What did you have for supper last night? kielbasa
How old were you when your parents told you the truth about Santa? my parents didn't TELL us much of anything.
Do you think Pepsi is better in the bottle or can? it's better when it's Coke.
Have you ever shot an animal? No
What was the last song stuck in your head? Good Morning Baltimore
Have you ever talked to a pinecone? um, no.
What was the last thing you put on your head? headphones
What color is your cell phone? country blue
Have you ever put peanut butter on the roof of a horse’s mouth? um, no.
How about a dog? no again.
What type of deodorant do you use, assuming you use one? Degree Little Black Dress
Last show you watched on TV? Two and a Half Men, the episode where Charlie is up for an award, with Jon Lovitz... we did watch AFV afterwards, but i PLAN to watch 2.5 Men every day. i love charlie.
What is the best flavor of Jelly Bellies? peach
Have you ever body surfed at the beach? mhm
What is the strangest thing you have ever found? drawing a blank here
Have you ever said, “Brontosaurus Blubber butt”? i would now so i could say yes, but i don't want to wakt the baby.
Name one character from the Simpsons. Lisa
Name one character from King of the Hill. Luanne
Do you wear mirrored or regular sunglasses? regular
What is the best candle scent? spice, or hazelnut coffee, or vanilla... me likey candles
Have you ever stirred up a fire ant hill? no
Have you ever had a laughing fit in church? no
How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop? quoting Alana here, b/c it's exactly what i would say: One. Two. Three..crunch.. Three.
Have you ever speeded up a vinyl record just to hear squeaky voices? mm, no.
Ever fallen on a Christmas tree? No
Did you ever believe in the boogeyman? no, but i was afraid of the dark.
Do you have any scars on your left index finger? yeah, all my fingers have scars
Have you ever examined one of your digits? regularly
Have you ever eaten a jalapenõ pepper for money? no
When was the last time you actually wrote a letter to someone? yesterday, if email counts
Have you ever fallen out of a hammock by yourself? i don't think i've ever been IN one.
When was the last time you rubbed the Buddha’s belly? it's been a few years, but i'm gonna run downstairs and rub him!
Does your clock make noise? considering i use my cell phone for a clock AND alarm, it makes a LOT of noise, intermittently.
Do raisins belong in cookies? only oatmeal
How do you like your meat done? i like to not worry about parasites or bacteria, so medium.
Do you buy those email chains or just delete them as soon as you see them? they infuriate me, so i go to snopes and send the debunk link back to the sender with some choice, pithy comments.
Which is funnier, a mime pretending to be in a box, or trapped in a box? i always liked the mime who couldn't keep the piano lid up...
What is the best prank you have ever pulled? double faked-out DH with a Christmas gift/wrapping
Can you say the alphabet backwards? i have actually spent the last week practicing this... i can not only SAY it, i can SING it! quickly, in fact.
When was the last time you literally slapped yourself? i used to slap my face to keep myself awake when driving too late at night, or at school too late, when i was young and foolish... now i'm just old and foolish.

more p. humor

please note the word HUMOR. this isn't any more real than the last post, that's why it makes us LAUGH.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WnL9HRLNxIA

Barack Obama's top 10 campaign promises, as written by Letterman.

political HUMOR

In a news conference Deanna Favre announced she will be the starting QB for the Packers this coming Sunday. Deanna asserts that she is qualified to be starting QB because she has spent the past 16 years married to Brett while he played QB for the Packers. During this period of time she became familiar with the definition of a corner blitz, and is now completely comfortable with other terminology of the Packers offense.

A survey of Packers fans shows that 65 % of those polled supported the move.

Does this sounds idiotic and unbelievable to you? Well, Hillary Clinton makes the same claims as to why she is qualified to be President and 50% of democrats polled agreed. She has never run a City, County, or State.

When told Hillary Clinton has experience because she has 8 years in the white house, Dick Morris stated "so has the pastry chef".

25 signs you're getting old

everybody likes a funny! this is a trend I should keep...

1. Your houseplants are alive and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 am is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song in the elevator.
6. You watch the weather channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14 (if you're lucky!).
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those &%#$ kids next door wont turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payment goes up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You take naps.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings would severley upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofin and antacids,not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good shit."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink like I used to!" replaces " I'm never gonna drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of the computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before you go to a bar.
25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh shit - what the hell happened?"
Bonus: 26. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass.

b/c we all needa giggle

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

to flog an issue...

one comment i've heard about Obama is that he doesn't have enough experience to run the country.

my immediate thought is, that might be a GOOD thing! b/c he hasn't had time to have his back scratched and accept the price involved, and to stop believing change is possible.

on this one i'd love to hear feedback.

"Obama is a Muslim" email

if you've read this email, you probably have some negative thoughts.

now read this: http://www.snopes.com/politics/obama/muslim.asp

i trust snopes. i don't trust random emails. hope this clears things up!

politics

i have avoided politics my whole life. i don't discuss politics with my family** because for the most part, they believe what they are told, and they have been told that Republicans are good and Democrats will roast your children over their hellfire. i have never affiliated myself with a party because I believe that most politicians, regardless of party, are corrupt.

i watched a YouTube (linked to a campaign email) today that changed my life. because now i want to work to get this man (click the words to view) elected.

i was brought to the point of tears, because he is preaching HOPE. and this is something we terribly need right now. he is telling us we CAN change the world, and that is something i haven't believed in a long time.

with Oprah backing him, he will be our next President. and that is something i am EXCITED about. also something i have not done in a long time.

watch the video and see if you agree with his message; whether you think he CAN fulfill his promises or not, you will agree that he will try, and that's a huge step in the right direction.

we can change the world.

** that should read, SOME of my family, and they ruin it for the rest of us!

working with baby

LaLa is 6.5 months old. she is very focused and determined, from day one. when she yells at me, she does it with EVERY ATOM IN HER BODY. they are ALL telling me how very mad she is.

well, she likes to sit on my lap for short periods while i'm working - i usually just pick her up to make her happy while i wrap things up. and she usually faces the computer with me and watches my fingers and the screen and is happy.

today she's grabby. i have a headset on so i can hear my work. today, she faced me, sitting on my leg, holding herself up straight, and grabbed the wires. just a little at first to see if mom will let me - ooh, she did! wrap it around my fingers, then stick them in my mouth? NOPE - mom took the cord back. how about now? if i put them in my mouth again, will mom take them? yup. how about now? how about if i'm sneaky and use my other hand? how about if i keep doing it really fast so i'm a pest and maybe she'll give up?

now she's put me down and taken all my cords away. now i'm mad!

speaking of which...

who noticed that Prince Charming in Enchanted is the same actor as Scott/Cyclops in X-Men, all 3? i sure didn't! he also plays *Corny Collins* in Hairspray! James Marsden sure gets around - who knew?

mmm-mooovies!

i'm such a retard, i alphabetized my DVD collection last night. was i bored? NO. i'd been meaning to do it for some time though. why? because it was a mess, always overflowing my cupboard, and nobody ever put anything away.

so i put the rated-R and otherwise-inappropriate-for-children movies (can you say Borat?) in a separate area, and also separated out musicals, because they're my greatest comfort-food-for-the-mind; i can see them together and pick one when i need a musical.

then i alphabetized the rest. sequels and series stay together, in order, regardless of title.

my kids love to watch movies. we hardly miss cable. but they had a terrible habit of just slopping the counters up, and things didn't ever get put away. i finally broke them of that with sustained nagging for months on end. now we have a library system; when you take it out, put the card in so you can find where it goes without having to THINK when you're done with it. when you're done with it, PUT IT BACK where you got it!

both sons are very good now about putting things in boxes, but will stack them up until they fall off the shelf.

we have a DVD/VCR player, and #2 son especially will very conscientiously remove the VCR tape from the player and return it to its box (then stack it on the counter if he can possibly balance it) - but he never REWINDS. he's 8, and he hardly knows what rewind means! the days of hitting REWIND after watching a movie were over before he started using the remote.

i feel old. and anal, but that's to be expected.

party pooper

i've spent the last couple of weeks stalking my friends' blogs, wishing they would post, cursing when they don't, wishing i had a real life and not just a cyber-stalker life...

and oh my goodness! look! i haven't posted much in december at all - and it's over! i've been too busy watching videos and visiting with my few real-world friends and posting movie reviews at myfamily.com.

i'll have to post me some movie reviews - i'm sure that would get some reactions! my current fave is HAIRSPRAY! I even went out and bought it last night. i'm so embarrassed - don't hate me b/c i'm in love with Hairspray!

birthday parties

#2 son kept up his homework for the rest of the term. however, i spent too much on christmas, and was worried about his tradition dinner out to Kimono. it's a japanese hibachi-style restaurant, but without the show; they cook in the kitchen, the food is as good or better as the other restaurants, but at a fraction of the price. our favorite place has sushi, too.

we go every year for his birthday b/c they have CALIFORNIA ROLLS. this is #2 son's favorite food. on his birthday he gets two orders to himself.

fortunately, MIL sent us some cash for christmas, and this is how we took him out for his birthday. we came home and gave him his BRAND NEW BICYCLE! for his birthday. #2 children don't get new bikes very often. so we got him one. it is GREEN and he loves it.

he is now getting up every morning early, eating breakfast, getting dressed, and begging to go out and ride his bike. he's 8 now, so i let him! he's very happy with his gift, and isn't complaining about lack of party AT ALL. i'm so proud of him.

he was SO sweet for christmas, pure and innocent, full of genuine gratitude and love. why can't life be like christmas all the times? well, b/c relatives can make you insane, apparently. but we had a great one.

wine v. water

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine... and those who don't.

As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information; I'm doing it as a public service.

What Religion is Your Bra?

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?"

"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from."

Relieved, the man asked about the types.

The saleslady replied: "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?"

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.

The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple....
The Catholic type supports the masses;
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright; and
The Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!
(A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there...
{C} Can't Complain!...
{D} Dang!...
{DD} Double dang!...
{E} Enormous!...
{F} Fake...
{G} Get a Reduction...
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!...

They forgot the German bra. Holtzemfromfloppen.