wish list

a sweet e-friend asked me what i needed this morning. she meant on the scavenger hunt we were playing, but this was my reply:

what do i need? a shoulder to cry on, a free babysitter, and an extra 10 hours a day to get everything done. a new job, a winning lottery ticket, and my mommy moving next door (yeah right!). the invention of teleportation and cheap clean energy, world peace... babies for all the couples struggling with infertility, and plenty of food for the hungry.

can you get that to me by noon? LMAO!

i got perspective, humor, AND support, all in one! thanks friend!

baby joy moments - kinda

my toddler has kept me awfully busy lately and i've hardly posted anything ANYwhere. so here's a glimpse into my life:

LaLa got up too early and has been tired and snuggly (aka mommy is NOT allowed to work) all morning. she's trying to figure out how to go without naps. it's not working, but she's very stubborn that she SHOULD be able to do so.

so i'm snuggling her and jiggling her up and down, holding her over my head and tickling her ribs. she goes all limp and snuggly against me for a few minutes then makes me start over. again and again.

and here i am soaking in the goodness of these moments, and loving her snuggly self, and just being on mommy cloud 9, thinking these are the moments i'll cherish and remember forever. (and i will.)

then a certain odor starts to waft. while i thought she was going limp and boneless with joy and love, it was prompted by a certain other biological function. which can be equally pleasurable, sometimes, especially to those of us with limited experience. still.

mommy love, or getting a good stinky-poo out? the world may never know which it really was.

[i had drugged her with Tylenol after she refused to settle again at 7 a.m., and she's been perky and happy since, except tired and has to be still intermittently. she's climbing from one armchair to the next and to the sofa without touching down, and is so completely excited that she is the first person to ever think of this game. i'm dying laughing at her today!]

MIA

i know, i've totally dropped the entertain-the-world ball this month. life has gotten in the way. between the big ugly Bankruptcy, and moving, packing, unpacking, organizing, and baby learning to walk and keeping me running after her all day, and trying to work my minimum hours, plus running errands every day of my damn life, keeping up with back-to-school, and trying to take a LITTLE time for my kids, and maybe a minute for me ... i'm freaking exhausted.

maybe next month i'll be able to keep one more ball in the air. no promises.

the latest meme

Welcome to the 2008 edition of getting to know your family and friends. Here is what you are supposed to do, and try not to be lame and spoil the fun. Change all the answers so that they apply to you. Then send this to a bunch of people you know, INCLUDING the person who sent it to you. Some of you may get this several times; that means you have lots of friends. The easiest way to do it is to hit 'forward' so you can change the answers or copy and paste. Have fun and be truthful!

1. What is your occupation right now? medical transcriptionist forever
2. What color are your socks right now? no socks! you can't make me wear socks!! (i rarely wear shoes)
3. What are you listening to right now? the Magnificent Seven, boys are watching
4. What was the last thing that you ate? burritos for dinner, yum
5. Can you drive a stick shift? prefer to
6. Last person you spoke to on the phone? Carol
7. Do you like the person who sent this to you? oh yeah!
8. How old are you today? 38.5
9. What is your favorite sport to watch on TV? golf; i'm a retard, i know
10. What is your favorite drink? mojito
11. Have you ever dyed your hair? i've streaked it with blonde, but never the whole thing
12. Favorite food? um, italian i guess, manicotti best
13. What is the last movie you watched? LaLa and i watched Hairspray again today
14. Favorite day of the year? Christmas
15. How do you vent anger? blogging, or w/ the girls in the baby bat cave/cafemom
16. What was your favorite toy as a child? fashion plates
17. What is your favorite season(s)? #1 spring, #2 fall, #3 summer, hahaha
18. Cherries or Blueberries? cherries, but only FRESH; blueberries are good but only cooked.
19. Do you want your friends to e-mail you back? yup
20. Who is the most likely to respond? haven't decided to whom to send this yet...
21. Who is least likely to respond? see above
22. Living arrangements? just moved to an apartment we LOVE, DH, me, two sons, toddler daughter
23. When was the last time you cried? too long; i've saved up too many tears
24. What is on the floor of your closet? DH's shoes, laundry hamper
25. Who is the friend you have had the longest that you are sending to? Hayda
26. What did you do last night? um, lazed around
27. What are you most afraid of? something happening to my babies
28. Plain, cheese, or spicy hamburgers? do they come without cheese? but keep the *bleagh* spice
29. Favorite dog breed(s)? don't care for dogs; dog-loving friend sez i'd love an italian greyhound, so maybe someday
30. Favorite day of the week? monday i think
31. How many states have you lived in? AZ, UT, VA, CA, PA, NC = 6
32. Diamonds or pearls? diamonds are worth more :D
33. What is your favorite flower? dandelions (and mini carns)

the "D" stands for...

what defines the "D" today?

DH got frisky the other night (this is news-worthy, as he's OLD and never was frisky frequently). he was playing with my heinie and i was saying how it's an old-lady heinie now; broad, saggy, and certainly not firm. he gave it a smack-kiss and said "I love your old-lady heinie!"

we've been together almost 18 years. there are only 3 or 4 moments that are this golden in those years. today he is a Dear, Dear Husband!

so long grandma

my dad's mom passed yesterday. this is actually good news; she was very sick, and tired of being here. her DH left her 4 or 5 years ago, and she's been lonely and failing all this time.

she was a great grandma for little kids. when i ran off and got married at 18, she was all for it, right up until she found out he wasn't Mormon and it wasn't a temple wedding. and i found out later she laid into my mom and told her it was all her fault. and i kinda stopped loving her as much then.

in later years, she got very grumpy and was mean a lot of the time for no good reason. and i didn't like her much then.

grandpa got the alzheimer's and they tried to stay in their own home too long. he was abusive in his age and she didn't know how to deal with it. when they moved to a "home," they lost most of their memories they had kept in their little house. i felt empathy for her then.

since grandpa left us, she's been a little old lady in a wheelchair, couldn't talk much, cried a lot when she saw people. and i cared again, but i didn't spend any time around her; partly b/c i live 3000 miles away.

i can't go to her funeral this weekend b/c of my imminent move, and i'm sorry i can't, which kinda surprised me. in the end, she was my grandma, and i loved her a lot once, so that's what i'm going to remember.

we have lift-off!

my stubborn baby has taken a step on her own! she has all the skills she needs except confidence and desire to walk. she wouldn't even stand for more than a couple of seconds without support. today (7/21) she decided she could stand up. and she took a step or two. she had a pickle in her hand, like dumbo's feather. she stood for a full minute! then she took two steps and sat down. but ON HER OWN, she stood BACK up. she's figured out she can do this, and there will be no stopping her!

(7/23) she'll "stand up like a big girl!" for me pretty much any time. but she won't take steps unless she feels like it. often enough to keep us all coaxing her, but infrequent enough that we don't get spoiled, lol! and if she's got something clutched in her hands, she's much happier and more willing to try. it is so fun watching her little legs tremble while she focuses on trying to take a step.

her newest thing is to stand up like a big girl, and CLAP! ever since she learned to clap we all say "Yay, LaLa!" whenever she does it. so she stood up and tried to clap, but fell down. had to practice some. now she claps every time she stands up so we'll cheer her.

she's also learned how to shake her head NO. and she points at what she wants and squawks until she gets it. who needs words? if i try to feed her and she wants something else or is done, she clamps her lips shut, and PUCKERS so i can't slip anything in.

we are all dying laughing around here. it's hard work entertaining us, she sleeps extremely well. some nightmares and occasional night terrors. but the days are all sunny when you're a baby - or a baby mama!

silly kids

both of my sons have been in DIRE need of haircuts. i'm not a terrific hairdresser, but i do a pretty good job when it's kind of long and i cut a lot off (i haven't tried trimming just a little). for the past two months i've been BEGGING them to let me cut their hair. it's shaggy and snarly and really needed it.

Saturday, DH offered to take them golfing on a par-3 course. it sounded like lots of fun but it was HOT and i said 'NOBODY GOES UNLESS THEY GET A HAIRCUT!' so i got to trim them up.

#1 son is 11 now, and he looks so mature with his haircut. i was getting verklempt and hugging on him and saying "you're my baby but you look so grown-up!" (this is the funny part)

he immediately responded "It's just the haircut, mom; i'm 2-1/2 on the inside!" I laughed so hard. he's such a clown, and sometimes (a lot) it's obnoxious, but that one was hilarious! hadta share.

*************

#2 son is 8-1/2 years old. he's been tearing through the Harry Potter books 1-5 for some time. i went upstairs at bedtime Monday evening to find he had started Harry Potter #6. i said to him, are you really old enough to read that??? (teasing) (then serious:) there are some scary parts in that one!

he replied: well, i highly doubt i'm going to get to those tonight!

sometimes they just sound so much like me. i'm so proud! obnoxious sense of humor and all!

next part of saga

Day Five Wed. 5/28
back at the ranch, DH has invited his mom to go with us on an outing. as he is discussing destinations, i realize i really don't want to subject LaLa to any more road trip than necessary; he wants to go for an hour's drive to a nice greenhouse/nursery we used to visit regularly. sounds fun enough, but we can't BUY anything! so i propose he take the boys and his mom and have some good quality time. (not going with MIL is my bonus!) this makes the car less crowded and gives them quality time after the fiasco of his trip-that-wasn't to visit her in april. they enjoy themselves thoroughly!

meanwhile, SIL, niece, and i shop! we do ikea, have lunch there. i have a chicken caesar to keep my garlic trend alive. LaLa loves the meatballs. then i drag them to michaels so i can purchase materials for my embroidery project. they don't have what i need for my "vision," so i regroup and make do. this isn't as easy as it looks!

the nephew (not previously mentioned), has just gotten engaged (OK, it's been months), and we go to his new apartment to see it and have pizza. in philadelphia, there's a pizza shop on every other corner, and i don't know how chains make it b/c everyone is a pizza snob and refuses to eat the mass-produced sort. the dough has to be exceptional, and the alchemy of blending flavors is vital to the experience. so even pizza is a sensory experience! (and garlicky!)

we had met the fiancee on day 3, and she's very sweet, enjoys the offbeat sense of humor that pervades the family. (that will change after the wedding!) they're a good couple, seem to really accept one another. and boy does LaLa give her baby fever! nephew is nearly 28, and she's 32, so i expect it won't be more than a year after the wedding before they're going for it!

divorce

NOT mine. but my BFF, my matron of honor (and i was hers), married something like 15 years. and i don't know why - YET.

i'm in stunned disbelief. i have that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach - that "this must be a joke" reaction followed by OMG, it's not. the last time i had this feeling was when my SIL had breast cancer. and i felt guilty when i realized that - THIS was a choice, while that was not.

but divorce isn't unlike cancer. it often hits unawares. and it uproots and displaces so many lives - and most of these people AREN'T choosing it. so my reaction is reasonable; dropping the guilt.

i just hope she gets through this stronger, and doesn't regret her choice.

part 4

Day Four Tues. 5/27
the graduation saturday will be semi-formal, and #2 son has no pants. (we planned to hit the stores on our trip when we discovered this before leaving.) so i drag both boys off to kohl's (best selection of different cuts, and my sons don't like to fit "standard" pants) to look at khaki's. it doesn't take long to find a pair that work. we find a stuffed animal display and the boys vote LaLa needs a "hop on pop" animal; Dr. Seuss is the theme, and i'd have picked something else, but asking their opinion means i have to be outvoted sometimes. *pout*

then we find the shopping center has a "discount" bookseller. between kids and me, we quickly spend $50 on a big bag full of books. (bookstores are one of our FAVORITE destinations!) i get a book on palmistry, which turns out to be even more fun than i'd hoped. looking at people's hands is fun!

on returning from shopping, LaLa LOVES her "pop" and deems him thumb-worthy (she will use him for a lovey while sucking her thumb). SCORE!

SIL and niece decide we all need to go italian (to their fave place) for lunch, and thus begins the first of several days of overindulgence in garlic for me. i order pesto ziti and caesar salad, and it's a little TOO much garlic. who knew this was possible? the kids and DH all get lunches that make them quite happy - #1 son, having been born in Philadelphia 'burbs, considers Philadelphia his home and is thrilled to get authentic cheese steak. it really does matter!

upon returning from the late lunch, we find BIL has come home early from work with Phillies! tickets! DH says they're having a guys' night out, and despite my slight chagrin, i agree to it. then as they're departing i find this means he's taking my sons to the ball game! i'd have loved to have gone, but LaLa wouldn't love it, and mommies make sacrifices every day. i'll get another chance. i'm actually pretty stoked that the boys get to go!

LaLa and i spend time relaxing every day and napping (it can be difficult to settle her for a nap, so we spend lots of time in bed, and by the time she drops off i'm often ready for a nap). we're sleeping on a futon, and it's not bad, but not great for me after a couple of days. the room is decorated with a large embroidered "tree of life" wall hanging, which fascinates LaLa. guess what my next project is? LaLa is loving this uncluttered house with lots of room to roam, and is showing off new tricks every day.

the girls hit friendly's for dinner to make life easy. when the boys get home from the game (at 10 pm), we find it was "hat night" at the Phillies! and they all got Phillies! hats! DOUBLE SCORE! this is just the best vaca ever!

part three

Day Three. Mon., 5/26, Memorial Day

SIL gets up early. [[in addition to being intense and a gourmet chef, she's a genius like Einstein and doesn't need more than 4-5 hours of sleep per night. i used to be envious of her but now i'm just tired after a few days with her.]]

we are going to SIL's sister T's house for a BBQ/picnic. this would also be a Filipino sister, of course, though it's hardly relevant. SIL gets up at 7 a.m. and starts cooking. BIL takes DH and the boys over at 2. T has sons the same ages - she started late. at 3 the food is all ready to transport and off we go.

T and husband are high-powered folks, live in Villanova in a million-dollar home. with a live-in Filipino maid. these boys have every bit of sports equipment one can imagine and my sons have an amazing time. they go from playing baseball in the city-park-size (and landscaped) back yard, to the GAME ROOM, to trying out zip-boards (?rip-boards? something like that). spare shoes are easily found. T's DH is a tall man and her sons, while my sons' ages, are larger; we are loaded up with outgrown clothes and sports gear. hoot hoot! she so gently starts to ask if we would like some of their stuff and i just blurt "i'm
not proud, i'll take anything you've got!" b/c their castoffs are nicer than anything i can buy at my income level.

so the picnic includes proscuitto-wrapped asparagus, burgers and dogs for the kids, steak for the 'dults, LOBSTER, and let me tell you right now you have not lived until you have watched a Filipino attack a lobster. i have never seen my SIL (whom i have known for 17 years) eat this much. (she polished off two full lobsters herself!) they eat EVERY bit of that beast. suck out the mustard, eat up the egg, and it's fun to watch, just don't ask me to do it. i ate one claw and it tastes mostly like butter, hardly worth the effort. (my first lobster!)

dessert is where she really shines (or just what i appreciate most). strawberry tart on a shortbread crust coated with a thick layer of chocolate. the most amazing chocolate cheesecake you ever had - all others pale in comparison, and as smooth and silky as you could ask for. she modifies the process by combining a couple of different master techniques and it's well worth the effort and time. topped with a smattering of crumbs for texture.

kids have a blast. i cannot imagine a better vacation - visit a mansion, play with completely normal albeit incredibly privileged children, eat like kings. i'm going to hate going home.

part two

Day Two. Sun., 5/25/08.

LaLa starts nursing this morning. when it's time for the second feeding, i find grandpa's recliner and rock her and she nurses without fussing again. hallelujah! hoping this trend continues. she's VERY TIRED. off we go to Philadelphia!

the drive goes awesome, no delays. arriving around 2, we're so excited to see brother and his wife, and they to see us. LaLa gets some BIG-TIME adoration! MIL comes over for dinner and niece is there all day. good fun unstructured time.

a much less eventful day overall. SIL is a gourmet chef, asks what the boys like to eat. she constructs marinated chicken breasts and a beautiful paella, in addition to an amazing salad, with oranges and beets and suchlike. (never serves anything but homemade dressing either, of course - and if you ask, she'll tell you how to make it - it's all easy to her!) SIL is also Filipino, but has been in the U.S. for MANY years, since college, so almost 30 years. so much seafood! i'm not a huge seafood eater but no matter - everyone enjoys her cooking!

she is also also a very intense person and we discuss Important Things until late at night.

travelogue part 1

the good news is, the first day was the worst. but i didn't know that until it was over!

Day One. Sat., 5/24/08
We get up, get the car loaded, leave about when we planned to, and drive from Winston-Salem, NC, to Richmond, VA. Stage One of the drive went REALLY smoothly. My grandfather lives with my aunt and her family there, and we plan to spend the night. She's actually younger than my DH and her kids are 14 and 8, so with mine nearly-11 and 8, and nearly-1, we all enjoy each others' company in many ways.

But the baby isn't cooperating. i normally nurse her at 6:30 and again at 9:30 a.m., and 5-6 times in a 24-hour period. she refused to nurse before we got in the car, and again at lunch. not too worrisome as she had plenty to eat otherwise.

Then we arrive and she is STILL refusing to nurse. i'm in pain, anxious, worried, and hormonal. i spent the next 18 hours trying to coax her to nurse. she ends up nursing only at 7 a.m. sat. (before we left - and normal), again at 7 p.m. sat., and again at 7 a.m. sunday. this makes the mama a complete WRECK.

we did enjoy our visit with the VA family. i, however, am stressed to the max about how long the baby will be on strike and what the whole trip is going to do to us. almost ready to turn around and go home!

their air mattress leaked for the first time, and i got up at 2 a.m. to express a little bit b/c the BBs are 3x their normal size and HURT and leaking. did i mention i'm a wreck? baby isn't sleeping well b/c she's HUNGRY, but won't nurse, and she's cranky.

up we get and after a leisurely start to the day, off we go to Philadelphia! The kids rode bikes on Sat. with their cousins, then had a water fight that resulted in completely soaked children and clothing, particularly THEIR ONLY SHOES. even with sitting out overnight and a run through the dryer in the a.m., they were still soaked. so we stopped at CVS for flip-flops and mock-crocs. at least they have something else to wear.

see part 2 for more!

a day in the life

my company invited a submission of an essay or poem about my experience as a medical transcriptionist. this is what i came up with.

working working all day long
drinking coffee, never stopping
listening, covering ears and listening
tap-tap-tap - what was that?

hushing kids and background noises
trying to figure out foreign voices
looking up words that don't make sense
what the heck kind of instruments?

silence dragging, docs um-hum-ing
was that his right hand? or his left?
flagging errors, my nerves are strumming
medical words dancing through my dreams
wake up and start all over again

green sugar

as you can see from my links, i've been a fan of DOOCE! for some time. (thanks, alana!) reading some of her interviews today, i'm reminded more of why we blog. it's to tell the stories we'd share with our girlfriends if we weren't so isolated in our modern lives.

so here's my story. a couple of nights ago i sent #1 son (age almost 11, or almost 12 if you believe his line) downstairs after bedtime to fetch something for me. 10 minutes later he came back. i asked him what he'd been doing all that time, and he said "Nothing."

then i looked at his face and saw smears of green around his mouth. "Son," i said, "Son, what have you been eating?"

smirk. "the sugar you put on cookies at christmas." "Son, you know better." "yes, but it's SO GOOD!" with a smirk that says 'i know i should be in trouble, but i'm too cute to punish for this!'

and he was right. i laughed and said don't do it again. i was certainly guilty of worse when _I_ was 10, or 11, or whatever age the child claims today. i used to take baggies full of cereal out of the cupboard for a snack - without asking, and without telling. and at bedtime i'd take a slice of white bread and DIP it in the sugar canister. yum. my sainted mother still doesn't know about that! (i don't think she reads my blog, either.)

so yesterday, when i was lecturing the children about not lying about doing something stupid, b/c i'm gonna find out, and i'm more upset about lying than about the act, i used the green sugar story as an example.

laughing again, #1 son says, "yeah, you caught me red-handed!" and of course i had to add - "or green-faced!" and we all laughed.

as long as we're laughing i'm doing a good job.

DROWNING!

man, i have been coming way too close to living up to my blog title lately. what up with that, huh?

so chatting around about the duggers, who are freaking nuts btw, pregnant with #19 now. and found someone's comment about the russian peasant woman who bore 69 children in the 1700s:

That's not a woman, that's a uterus with legs!

ms. dugger shall hereafter be known as a uterus with legs. talk about addiction!

Happy Mother's Day!

*edit* yes, it's #18. my bad.
the Russian peasant lady did not have any single births. she had twins, triplets, and quads, and 67 of them survived childhood. talk about your Motherland!

on addiction

some time ago, i had an encounter with a homeless man which really started me thinking.

i pulled into sam's club to do my weekly shopping. i passed a homeless man on the side of the road at the entrance, with the typical signage - please help, anything is appreciated! and i had my usual thought process - i can't give him cash, he'd just spend it on booze. i'm not sure where that indoctrination came from but it's unassailable in my mind now. so i pondered for a moment, and thought "i'll get him a squishy chicken." (my darling sons named the roast chicken from sam's so b/c of its wonderfully tender and flavorful nature.)

i was so proud of myself. i actually remembered this intent through the store, bought the extra chicken, remembered to load the car with the squishy up front, even remembered when exiting sam's to go back toward the entrance to give the chicken to this gentleman.

here's where it gets interesting. feeling very virtuous, i pulled up to him and put down the window.

"Hey, how ya doing?"

'If i was any better, i wouldn't be here!' he says, with only slightly crusty attitude.

"Oops, yeah, i knew that was stupid question by the time it left my mouth. Can you use this?" and i handed him the chicken.

His whole face lit up. he took it, saying 'Bless you!' over and over. and when he lifted it from my hands, he was transformed. 'It's still warm!' he was so grateful.

i turned the car around to get out of the parking lot. i thought to regret that i had no plastic-ware to give him to facilitate eating the chicken, but remembered a wad of napkins in my purse from our last trip to the movies. i gleaned out the ones that weren't too crumpled and returned to his side.

he had already ripped into the chicken. he took the napkins, blessing me again. and i thought to say - "oh, do you want the crumpled ones, too?"

'i live in the woods, i'll take them all!'

i can have a squishy chicken any time i want, and i don't think of it as a miracle. i can go to the movies (it's infrequent with our recent financial stress, but we still do go), and get popcorn and pick up wads of napkins. i don't think of someone as a saint to share crumpled napkins so i don't have to soil my clothing.

who am i to judge and assume he's an alcoholic? there but for the grace of God go i. and i'm an addict to junk food and overeating, and cannot control myself (but i'm starting to try harder). who am i to judge and feel superior?

i've looked for this homeless man every time i go out. i wanted to bring him more food, and maybe a little more compassion and caring, and a little less self-congratulation. i wanted to touch his life. but i haven't seen him since, and i know he's touched mine.

why i don't watch the news

so my day is off to a good start. yesterday the kitchen circuit blew, and it appears to be a short in the wiring, so a nice hefty electrician bill today (hasn't come yet, but i'm certain of it). the appliances are fine, nothing is spoiling, but i can't see to cook b/c the lights are out.

get up this morning to call the electrician. my internet won't connect. i rebooted the computer, the modem, the wireless, all twice. no dice. so i went in the TV room to call the cable company. turned on the TV to check whether i had ANY cable function.

CNN scares me. they're predicting things like oil prices doubling AGAIN. how the hell will anyone be able to live? there will be riots, panic, food riots! our country is very dependent on oil for everything - products are trucked everywhere, and the cost of transportation very much affects the price of food.

so i come to the computer to look for a story i can READ about oil futures. maybe i heard CNN wrong - on the internet, they're talking about an increase from $100 to $120 a barrel on oil. still ANOTHER blow to the gut, but a smaller one, anyway.

but the internet also talks about current food shortages worldwide. if gas and food both double in cost AGAIN, society will fall apart.

i want to go buy 100 pounds of beans and rice, and go hide in my basement. you can live on beans and rice for a long time!

there are people who ENJOY hearing bad news. i'm not one of them.

did you know?...

a song that gets stuck in your head is called an earworm???

me, i have chronic earworms. this is just the latest - and funniest!