Friday, October 16, 2009


mama programmed me well. i feel guilt over good things, bad things, small things, and large things, and sometimes not for the things i probably "should."

yesterday, 10/15, was a day for remembering miscarriages and preemies who didn't make it. y'all may not know or remember, but i did have an early miscarriage before my firstborn made it to term. it was just 8 weeks, looked like the pregnancy didn't do anything more than start.

and it was the worst thing that had ever happened to me at the time. (having an infant in the NICU was much harder, i believe.) it broke my heart and i went to counseling and i was certain we'd be expecting again before the due date. and i was and i've moved on with my life.

other women who have suffered losses will say things like "i think about you every day of my life" or they mourn, especially on 10/15.

and i don't. i don't think of it as a child, i got the children i was meant to have. i don't feel bad every day, i don't really feel bad about it ever. i lit my candle last year and thought about it, but i didn't remember yesterday and i don't even feel guilty over that.

life is complicated enough. i'm glad i'm healed and i don't feel bad, especially every day. and as of now, i'm done with feeling guilt over being emotionally healthy in this one aspect of my life!

(insert politically correct words here about not diminishing anyone else's experiences and whatnot... y'all know i'm not a hater.)


stewbert said...

I don't really get it for myself either, though I did think of Joshua yesterday. That was infinitely harder than any of my very, very early miscarriages.

MamaBear said...

yes. yes it was. and is. i can still light a candle for him if it's not 10/15, so i refuse to feel guilty. :D and :(

Kim said...

Oct 15th is about the only time I think of the one I lost. Lie, I do think of her at other times, but I don't dwell on it.